This morning I woke up with a wonderful light-hearted feeling when I realised it’s a Saturday, and my radio interview of the day before is over.
When I studied for my theology degree (many years ago) one of the counselling modules I learned discussed the strange phenomenon of people suffering from depression when they finally achieve their goal (I personally think this is why so many mothers, who have tried for years to conceive, get post-partum depression). Perhaps this happens because the process of achieving a goal can be more fulfilling than the achieving of it. Or maybe when one eventually reaches your dream you realise it’s not as wonderful as you thought it would be. Somehow, we think “if I could only achieve this and this, I will be happy”, only to discover that that the satisfaction it offers is only temporary and then, of course, there are other new stresses that go with it. A new goal towards happiness then gets set, and so we go on in our never-ending, unfulfilling journey towards perfect happiness and fulfilment.
Ok. So where am I going with this?
Having spent the last 30 years waiting for God to use me in ministry, particularly in a singing ministry, I feel entitled to say it has been a long time of expectation. So, when my songs finally begin to take traction it can be understood that the success of it is both exhilarating and totally nerve wrecking at the same time. My latest single “Sweet Jesus” has been playlisted on 30 radio stations in 3 weeks and I am being asked to do radio interviews. Of course, I am ecstatic, but I find myself confronting an old enemy – anxiety.
Speaking on a radio to an audience who doesn’t know me, and I can’t see, knowing at any time I could make a mistake, or not have anything to say, makes my mouth dry and my stomach knot. I have had 3 radio interviews before yesterday’s one and before each of them I had a sleepless night, tossing and turning, going over and over in my mind what to say, praying in agony and glad when the relief of morning comes, until I realise – this is THE day.
So, last week when I heard about this latest radio interview and my stomach dropped to the floor again, I asked the Lord, “How am I going to cope if I am going to get so anxious before I have to do what You’ve asked me to do?’
To which He replied, “It’s only because you are not used to it. You will grow and cope the more you do it.” And I felt my heart fill with peace.
So, I am pleased to say that I slept well the night before yesterday’s interview and woke up feeling excited and confident that I can do what God has called me to do.
And he proved Himself right.